


I’m on your clock, you’re in control

by Mooresomore



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Anger, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, New York Islanders, Post-Break Up, The 'Exes' Club should be a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 01:56:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19141252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooresomore/pseuds/Mooresomore
Summary: "Breaking up is hard to do...especially when you're not out to the team and you can't let anyone know about it (or that it's over). It really sucks too when you still want the person, but they want nothing to do with you." Mat had never thought those words would apply to him, but here he was.





	I’m on your clock, you’re in control

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stumblebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stumblebee/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [stumblebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stumblebee/pseuds/stumblebee) in the [PuckingRare2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/PuckingRare2019) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Breaking up is hard especially when you're not out and no one can know what you had, let alone that its painfully over. Teammates or rivals. Make me Sad!!!
> 
> If you know/are anyone in this fic, turn back now. Please. Completely made up!!
> 
> Disclaimer: This is complete and total FICTION. That means it never happened and is completely untrue. In fact, this is so far from the truth that it isn’t even in the same country as the truth. I don’t own anybody, and I make no money off of this. I am not in any way implying said characters’ sexual identities. All knowledge of these people are from public information. All thoughts are my own.
> 
> Unbeata'd, so all mistakes are all (and only) mine
> 
> Title taken from Luke Bryan's "Light It Up"

_I should have listened to Tito._ Mat thought as he saw Anders all up in Devon’s space, in the locker room together, giggling and whispering. Mat felt like his heart was being cut out piece by piece. If he needed any more indication he and Anders weren’t going to get back together, this was it.

Mat refused to let his emotions show here in the locker room. He refused to cry in here or let his teammates catch on to the fact something was wrong (considering all but two of his teammates didn’t know he was gay); he asked Tito to go out to lunch after practice.

“How did you know?” Mat asked when their food got to the table.

“What?”

“How did you know Anders was looking at me and what was going to happen?”

“Mat, I _was_ you,” Tito said. “He did that my rookie year too. It’s like he has some affinity for the rookies or something.”

“But. He said… he promised…” Mat trailed off, feeling the emotions he had been tamping down come bubbling up to the surface. “It was all a lie, wasn’t it? He didn’t mean a single word of it, did he?” Mat now felt used, which was almost a worse feeling than the anger he’d initially felt. “I’m such a fucking idiot. How could I not see it?”

“Yes. He said it to me too. Mat, I’m so sorry,” Tito said. “You’ve got to believe me when I say I’d hoped he’d changed. And you’re not an idiot.” Tito paused as Mat fixed him with a look. “I mean it. Love makes people do some crazy shit.”

“Yeah. But he’s my captain now, and I’m on his line, so I can’t get away as easily as you could,” Mat said. “I just have to pretend like it never happened. Like he wasn’t my whole world that has now been ripped away. Like he didn’t leave a crater in my heart the size of Brooklyn.”

“I’m always here for you,” Tito said.

“What? Like the ‘ex’ club or something?” Mat teased. Leave it to Tito to be the best friend ever.

“Sure. Something like that,” Tito chuckled. “You just gotta make it through until the break. Then you can regroup and figure out what to do.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Mat asked. “What if I still want him? Is it wrong that I still like him and want to try to get back together with him?”

“Mat, that’s not a good idea…”

“I know, but it’s not fucking fair! He gets to use me, and then throw me away like I was nothing? No. I won’t let him do it,” Mat said. “I’m going to make him suffer, just like he did to me. He has to learn to pick up the piece of his shattered heart too.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“No, but I’m going to do it anyway. At least it will make me feel _something._ I’m tired of this empty feeling. I’m tired of lying to myself.”

“Just… be careful.” Tito said. He hated seeing his friend like this, and he was worried about what Mat was going to do (Tito remembered how he had felt when he had been replaced by Mat).

“I will be.”

They went their separate ways, and Mat started working on his plan. _I’ll show him._

*

Mat sat in his stall, staring blankly into space, willing the tears to stay in the corners of his eyes and not fall down his cheeks. Anders had taken one look at the blue and orange flowers Mat had stuck in his locker and thrown them away. He’d then (loudly) asked Devon about going out for a pre-game meal. The dagger pierced Mat’s heart- Anders had always known not to ask Mat to lunch in front of the team, since Mat was still in the closet, and now he was directly throwing the fact he could ask his partner out in Mat’s face. The rest of the team didn’t bat an eye (except Tito, who gave Mat a sympathetic look). Mat just got up and skated until his lungs burned and then went home, using the shower to hide his crying. How could he have thought that making Anders suffer was a good idea? It was just making Mat hurt more. Mat felt worse now than when he saw Anders and Devon together for the first time. The ice cream wasn’t even cheering Mat up anymore.

The next day, Mat tried switching seats with Devon to talk to Anders about “liney stuff”, but Anders just quickly answered all the questions with the minimum response necessary (staring towards Devon the whole time) and sent Mat back to his own seat. Mat leaned his head against the window and ignored everyone. _When do I get to be happy again?_ He wondered.

Mat snapped at Jordan when Jordan asked if Mat was ok.  “Ok? Am I ok? No, Jordan, I’m not fucking ok!” Mat later apologized and said he was having a bad day; Jordan accepted the apology and didn’t press the issue any further. Mat was glad- he wasn’t quite sure how to explain this situation to Jordan.

Mat tried getting Anders to come to lunch with him and Tito, but that was a no go as well. Mat punched a pillow in frustration (imaging it was Anders’ face the whole time), and then proceeded to eat his weight in pasta. _At least pasta never lies to me or breaks my heart._

Mat finally gave up and let his emotions get the best of him; he was out of options. He was tired of fighting the feelings he had been holding in for so long. He started being mopey all the time, starting blankly into space, not going out after wins, and being more closed off than normal. He figured if it messed with team performance, Anders would have to talk to him.

It worked- Anders did finally talk to him. “Mat? What’s going on?” The question was so simple, yet it was the one that finally made the dam break.”

“What’s going on? What’s fucking going on?” Mat tried to laugh hysterically. “Let’s see. I fell in love with an idiot who I believed would never lie to me, only to see him with another guy. I put so much effort into the relationship that I forgot who I was, and I’m mad to admit that there’s so much I’d do to get the person back. I just want to know when I’ll get over it.”

Anders processed what Mat said. “Is this about us? Mat, I didn’t…”

Mat looked at Anders. “Why did you do it? You lied to me.” Mat paused. “You told me that you wouldn’t hurt me. You even accepted it when I told you I didn’t want to come out because I wasn’t ready yet. You went out of your way to keep things a secret, and then you all of a sudden change at the beginning of the year, and suddenly I’m not good enough anymore. Why?” The tears sprang to the corners of Mat’s eyes and started falling. “Dammit, fuck. Look, you made me fucking cry.” The emotions ran wild as everything he’d been holding inside finally spilled to the surface. “Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Why me? Out of everyone you could have chosen, why did you have to pick me?”

“No,” Anders quickly reassured Mat. “There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, I saw something special in you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just… I thought you knew my record with rookies. I figured you knew it was temporary and at the end of the year, it would be over. But then I actually fell for you and thought I could do it. But it didn’t work out. The itch was still there. I tried to ignore it, but it was too strong. So I went back to my old ways. I still care about you though. Can we try being friends?”

“No,” Mat said, surer of himself than he had been in a while. “I loved you, and you fucking lied to me. About everything. How can I trust you now when you say you want to be friends? What’s not to say you won’t change your mind in two months and hate my guts and out me or something like that? That’s just what you do, huh? Love them and leave them for next year’s model.”

“Mat, it’s not… I’m different now. And I would never out you. No matter how bad things are between us. Your secrets are still safe with me.”

“Bullshit. The whole ‘I’ve changed’ line won’t work on me. I can’t trust you. I trusted you once, and look where it got me. I can’t go through it again. I’m still not over the first time.”

“So this is how it ends, I guess. Teammates only from now on. Goodbye Mat.”

“Bye Anders.”

Tito came over and sat by Mat as he bawled his eyes out; Tito then took them out for dessert as a “breakup fixer”.

“You warned me,” Mat said. “You told me to be careful. That I’d end up hurt.”

“I did.”

“And I was too stupid to believe him over you.”

“You were not stupid. You were lovestruck. Happened to me too.”

“How did you get over it?”

“Time,” Tito said. “Doesn’t mean I don’t think about what could have been. But I let it fade away quickly. Just, don’t let him hold all the cards.”

“Thanks Tito. This is why you’re my best friend.”

“I try. Just, take it day by day, ok?”

“Ok.”

Mat would have been lying if he said the good days outweighed the bad ones; every time he saw Anders and Devon together (and flaunting the relationship), it felt like a knife was being stabbed in his back. But over time, the blade didn’t feel as sharp, and it didn’t have as much effect on Mat. The crater slowly filled in, until just a scar remained.

Mat also tried to warn Devon, who obviously didn’t believe Mat. “Trust me, kid. I know. I was you last year. You replaced me. Just like I replaced Tito.”

“It’s different. We have a real connection.”

“He told me that too. Just, be careful, ok?”

“Sure.”

The Islanders made it to the playoffs, and when Anders gave Mat a hug at the end of the season and said, “I’m sorry,” Mat knew he wasn’t just talking about the playoffs.

It would take some time, but Mat figured one day he’d be able to forgive Anders and they could be friends. That day was nowhere in the current future though.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I'm an Islanders fan, and I love Anders (I really made him out to be a bad person here, sorry), and Jesus, was my own break-up seriously this bad??! (This is what I based the story off of, since it was happening at the time I wrote this-I was the "Mat").


End file.
